Grace. It is what fills in those gaps of insecurity and doubt. As a tween, I would sit up in my bed and “talk” to the thirteen children I wanted to have and by age thirteen would have already named. I imagined them crawling up and snuggling next to me as I read stories and laughed and talked with them, acting out the kind of parent I wanted to be. Everything I longed for in a parent was what I had pre-determined I would become when God blessed me with babies of my own.
Fast forward 24 years…
Even this very morning I had a good little cry thinking of how good God is at filling in those gaps. Gaps? Yes, gaps. There are many reasons I felt like I wanted to be a better parent than my own, but some of it was simply that mine were not perfect. And simply put, I’m not perfect. As a child, I didn’t know this. What I know now is that my mom did the very best thing for me at the time with what she had and what she knew. How do I know this now? Because I just finished saying the same thing to my own child. My oldest daughter, whom I was reminding God had given to me purposefully- and I to her. Despite my faults + failures. And they are many! I began to thank God in prayer for all the ways He has and is filling in my gaps.
You see, I have this devotional journal that one of my younger daughters and I are supposed to be doing together. I say supposed to because she is still, after many weeks, waiting on me to do my part and give it back to her. It asks a question of the daughter and then the same of the mother, who pass it back and forth. She answered hers, and yet I can find no words to answer mine. And so there it sits, waiting on my pen to hit the paper. But no words come. No words have come out of me for a long time. Ten months to be exact. So, what was the question, you ask?!
“Write of an example when you doubted God…” No words. Honestly? Because I can’t think of any time that I did. Until this morning when thoughts of insecurity and doubt crept in that I’m not sure God knew what He was doing when He handed these six precious children over into my care. Did He know I would just plain stink at being a good mom? Did He understand that I would not get it right 100% of the time? Did He know how hard it would be for me to take what I know and put it into practice? Did He get that I wasn’t going to be able to pass my own mother in perfection with all her faults and failures?
The answer, at least to the last question- is a resounding YES!
He knew this because He created MY imperfect being. Good thing He created me in His Image and what I lack, He more than makes up for! Hindsight is keen and can be key if we allow it to take root and teach us something for the future. My mom? She was the best mom for me! She was handpicked by her loving Father to be my Mama and I was handpicked by my loving Father to be her daughter- roles that no one else could fill. This Truth I was instilling in my own daughter this very morning and yet struggling to believe for myself. And now? Now, I believe what I was telling her. The Holy Spirit so gently reminded me of the fact that “He Who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” And until that day, He would fill in the gaps. Despite me. Despite my fears and doubts and failures and everything that gets in the way of me being perfect- and instead, I am made perfect in Christ Jesus. And that is enough.
Have you ever let the enemy sneak into your thoughts and cause you to doubt yourself or your loving Father? Whatever we lack, the LORD more than makes up for! Let us not allow the snake to hiss into the recesses of our heart but instead allow God’s Truth to permeate it and know that we know that we know we were made in His Image and created for such a time as this and for the purposes He has put into motion in our lives! Let us grow in this gift of grace (2 Peter 3:18).
Me? I’m just going to sit back and relish in this beautiful fact for a bit, maybe drink another cup of coffee, and call my mom. I want her to know that she is perfect for me…